Metamorphosis

Image by Janos Perian from Pixabay

“As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.”

Franz Kafka, The Metamorphosis

Yes, Gregor you had one bad morning and I feel your pain, but stop whining, at least you awoke an animate being.

I fear that my fate is much worse.

It is becoming painfully apparent that I may no longer be human and, like a 21st Century Gregor Samsa, may have awakened as an internet (ro)bot!

When did I start getting suspicious?

My first clue; I was a commercial real estate lawyer for quite some time, something no sentient human being can stand for too long.

And come to think of it, sometimes when I put my hand under an automatic soap dispenser or sink faucet, nothing happens. Coincidence? I think not.

Lately, I have noticed my descent into my own inferno of the nine circles of password hell, what one Wall Street Journal writer called “the password doom loop,” where the only appropriate and mature response is to heave your laptop against the wall.

For example, I attempted to login to stream Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (what, with a few literary references above you now expect something more? Don’t judge me!).

Unfortunately, I cannot remember my password.

Is it just me, or does everyone have an endless smorgasbord of password possibilities?

I started with one easy to remember phrase.

Then, a different site required numbers so I added a birthday for that password.

Soon another site required a capital letter. Okay.

Then, yet another site wanted a special character (@, #, $, %, &, etc.) - - what is this, kindergarten where all characters are “special?”

Is it any wonder that, according to Wired magazine, the two most commonly used passwords are “123456” and “password?” Brilliant!

There are password manager programs which can keep track of your passwords, although one of them (LifeLock) was itself hacked, and you still have to remember your “master password.”

Luckily, I can ask for a code to change my password. This only requires that I remember my user name. Wait, what?

I have three or four possible emails (don’t ask) plus many different potential variations of my name (full name, initials, with space, without space …).

And let’s not forget that every time I forget my password, I need to create a new password different from the old password.

Once I pass through the user name and password portal, there are still more potential roadblocks.

Why can’t I remember my favorite pet or first car? Oh yeah, bots don’t have pets.

Eventually, I have to face the true essence of my existential angst, the web access Sauron, the dreaded Captcha.

“Captcha” is the acronym for Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart.

Really? That is the best acronym they could come up with?

Captcha was developed to deal with my fellow bots, which are often programmed to pretend to be humans (sort of like accountants), allowing them, faster than any human, to disrupt or crash websites or compromise security.

Captcha aims to prevent bots with technology that requires challenges that only humans can solve. These are the tests that make you spell out words in distorted type or identify pictures with buses or motorcycles.

Lately, have you wondered whether you are getting dumber or the Captcha tests have been getting harder?

Well, while all of the above may be accurate, the Captchas actually are getting harder by design!

Who knew, but there is a bots vs. security protection techie geek arms race out there.

For example, the Arkose Labs website (I cannot as of yet verify whether Arkose Labs is a subsidiary of Treadstone) claims that it “detects malicious bots (hey, you don’t have to get personal!) using network information, IP addresses,” and magic eight balls.

Arkose Labs brags that it worked with Microsoft to disrupt Storm-1152, allegedly “one of the largest and most notorious threat actor groups to build cybercrime-as-a-service business.”

Does it feel like we just entered a Bond movie?

Kevin Gosschalk, CEO of Arkose Labs, says software has gotten really good at labeling photos and other former Captcha greatest hits “So now enters a new era of Captcha—logic based.”

It is no longer just about identifying basic pictures, we now need to solve logic puzzles (e.g., move a puzzle piece, rotate a 3D picture of an animal, or solve Wordle in less than four moves).

Are you kidding?! I cannot even find all of the traffic lights without getting a headache!

Gosschalk says that eventually bots will be able to solve every Captcha that is currently in use. The goal is not necessarily to stump the bots as much as to design something that is too expensive for bad actors to train software to overcome.

So things will get stranger says Gosschalk “because now you have to do something that’s nonsensical” so the bots cannot understand.

Well, at least there is some hope since I can do nonsensical with the best of them.

I realize that with our entire lives “in the cloud” we are basically pasting our bank account numbers on our foreheads and there are all kinds of “bad actors” out there but do I need to solve Rubiks Cube each time I want to open my laptop?

Captcha is the internet version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail’s Bridge of Death, where the keeper of the bridge asks questions allowing only those who answer properly to advance.

King Arthur and his crew had to answer five, er, no, three questions. “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” And “What is the capital of Assyria?”

Simple, and while I admit that if the Camelot crew got one answer wrong they were cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril, that is nothing compared to having your iPad lock because you cannot remember the password.

So, even though I checked the box to say that I am not a robot, I still failed four straight Captcha tests!

That is when it hit me like a punch to my hard drive, er, gut.

No, not just that I may not be able to rent the Mad Max movie (a fate somewhat existential).

Maybe I cannot solve the Captchas since I actually AM a robot?!!

When did this happen and does this mean that I lose the points on my American Express card?

Will my dog bark at me like she barks at the Roomba vacuum cleaner?

Well, there are some plus sides.

My Russian has greatly improved and I did nail Taylor Swift concert tickets pretty easily.

Now, if I could just remember my password to access those concert tickets …