Olympic Nutty Pudding

Photo by Peter Robbins on Unsplash.

My dad was focused on mortality even at a relatively young age, often lamenting “What’s the use of kidding yourself, I’m not getting any younger” and “Actuarially speaking, I don’t have that many years left.”

He also would say that he was the same guy on the inside but when he looked in a mirror he could not recognize the old guy looking back at him.

Similar philosophically to a fellow swimmer that I used to see at the pool most mornings who claimed “I’m not getting any older, just the ‘vessel’ that carries me around is getting older.”

My dad soldiered on, traveling, being a super grandpa and running six miles a day into his 80’s, and as he would often say, there was not much he could do about aging except that he no longer bought green bananas.

But, wait. Is there another way?

After all, Methuselah , grandfather of Noah, lived according to the Book of Genesis to the ripe old age of 969, accumulating quite a respectable number of American Express bonus points.

Oscar Wilde’s Dorian Gray sold his soul to ensure that his portrait would age and fade while he stayed young and beautiful (don’t judge, many of us sell our souls for much less).

Our modern day Dorian Gray may be Bryan Johnson, a tech entrepreneur who has spent millions on what he modestly calls “the most significant revolution in the history of Homo sapiens.” No, not the NY Mets making the playoffs - - he is attempting to avoid aging.

Haha. Nice try, but he is (scarily) serious and has developed a life-extension regimen meant to reduce his “biological age” (involving many pills, a baseball cap that shoots red light into his head, collecting his own stool samples (eeeew) and wearing a device that tracks his nighttime erections (double eeeew and let’s not go there)).

He lives by a strict program regarding what he can eat (not much), how much to exercise (a lot), endless supplements and the application of various creams and eye drops and, I expect, a good deal of peyote.

He has also created a “Rejuvenation Olympics” , which anyone can enter so long as they have completed a specific blood test to measure how fast they are biologically aging, in an attempt to turn anti-aging into a competitive sport.

Incidentally, he also uses his website to sell supplements, olive oil and the “vegan, gluten-free ‘nutty pudding’ ” that he says he eats daily.

Perhaps the best part; he is losing in his own Olympics!

Ahead of him on the leader board is Julie Gibson Clark, a (chronologically) 55-year-old single mom who does more normal walking and weightlifting and, as your mom may have told you, eats a lot of vegetables.

But the longevity business is booming, with people trying to hold on long enough for scientific breakthroughs that will provide everlasting life.

There is Robert Berger, a 69 year-old “better-living-through-chemistry type of person,” who takes rapamycin, an organ transplant drug which supposedly can extend the life spans of mice by over 20 percent (notwithstanding the extra years, the mice still complain of childless cat lady angst).

Guess, who also takes rapamycin. Yep. Bryan Johnson.

Ray Kurzweil an “A.I. visionary” at Google (I had a similar title when practicing law) wrote “The Singularity Is Near,” which in 2005 accurately predicted the global information network, mobile devices linked to the internet and many of today’s A.I. capabilities.

His newest book, “The Singularity Is Nearer” (expected to soon be followed by “The Singularity Meets Godzilla”), envisions A.I. immortality through the deployment of microscopic self-replicating robots into our veins connecting our brains to the cloud, curing most diseases and extending lifespans.

Ray is 76 so needs to move fast but sucks down 80 supplements a day to survive long enough to enjoy his prognostications.

Most scientists and doctors do not put much stock in the whole longevity movement.

As Dr. Eric Verdin, CEO of the Buck Institute for Research on Aging said “If you want immortality, you should go to a church.”

S. Jay Olshansky, who studies human longevity at the University of Illinois Chicago, believes more individuals may make it to 100, but not enough to change overall life expectancy.

Biological and stress factors pile up causing declines in resilience often in aging “waves” around ages 44 and 60 or, as Dr. Heather Whitson, a geriatrician and clinical investigator at Duke University says “There are these moments where the whole system seems to undergo like a vibe shift.”

Well I say doctors schmoctors. I am not ready for this vibe shift. Fuhgettaboutit!

Bryan, Robert and Ray - - I’m all in! Gonna be immortal! Bring on the green bananas!

Now that that is settled and I am going to be around forever, I have jotted down some preliminary thoughts and concerns.

• If I continually go with the word “aside”, it is fairly assured that one day I will get Wordle “in one.”

• I need my wife to go for immortality too. Besides missing her terribly, I am not looking forward to online dating in the 23rd Century… “Gentleman, youthful 275 years old, looking for someone who has heard of ‘Bob Dylan’.”

• With all of those self-replicating diamondoid robots in my veins, I really do need to upgrade my wifi connection.

• How many years of immortality will I lose if I cut the horrible sounding nutty pudding with some Nutella?

• I may actually get the benefit of my lifetime Planet Fitness membership.

• Must be careful taking out library books. If I forget to return one, the fines could really add up.

• Subscribers to this newsletter be wary. I could be filling up your email boxes long after you are gone.

But, wait. What’s the use of kidding yourself, there are some downsides.

Forever is a pretty long time to go without a pension. Will I (gulp!) have to come out of retirement and actually be productive and work for a living?

Will I outlive everyone I know and love (not looking forward to finding assisted living for my great-great-grandson).

Maybe I should just suck it up and attempt to grow old with dignity (and lots of Nutella).

I am afraid spending too much time worrying about how long you will live takes away the enjoyment of just living.

Too bad, eternity may have been my best shot to be around to see the NY Knicks win another NBA championship.