She Did it
In the quirky television show, Arrested Development, Michael Bluth (Jason Bateman) has been patiently working and waiting for his father, George Sr. (Jeffrey Tambor) to, as promised, put him in charge of the family real estate company.
Instead, on the day of his retirement party, George is arrested by the SEC for various crimes and at the party George announces that he is putting his wife Lucille (Jessica Walter) in charge of the company instead of Michael.
George at least was trying to save his son from implication in George’s crimes and believes, incorrectly, that a husband and wife cannot be arrested for the same crime.
When Michael points out that this is incorrect, George laments that he has “the worst f#$#ing attorneys.”
Today, I am happy to report that some of our country’s leaders have hired George’s very same attorneys and are following a similar and unusual (but at least refreshingly bipartisan) strategy.
When in doubt, blame your spouse.
Take Bob Menendez, distinguished Senator from New Jersey. He stands accused of corruption, taking bribes for political favors, and failing to neatly stack in his wife’s closet the gold bars paid to him by the government of Egypt.
In his opening statement, Menendez’s lawyer told the jury that Ms. Menendez had money problems that she hid from the Senator and that she kept her loot (including those gold bars) in her locked bedroom closet to which the Senator did not have a key.
Till death do us part, unless we both get indicted.
Paul Shechtman, a New York defense lawyer, said that a jury is “unlikely” to be sympathetic to this approach since “One worries that the jury will say you’ve committed two crimes — you’ve taken bribes and you’ve blamed your spouse.”
You think? (And, yes, taking bribes is a crime even in New Jersey).
A day later, Senator Menendez, ever the caring husband, also revealed that his wife was being treated for breast cancer. The two are having separate trials since the judge postponed Ms. Menendez’s trial as she underwent a mastectomy and radiation treatment.
“We are of course concerned about the seriousness and advanced stage of the disease,” Senator Menendez said. “We hope and pray for the best results.”
Best results being that she is well enough to stand trial and take the rap.
What was the conversation like between the two lovebirds?
Bob: “Sorry, hon, please hope you don’t mind if I push you under the bus on this one.”
Nadine: “Not a problem Bob, but could you pick up the dry cleaning on your way home from court since I will be tied up undergoing radiation?”
Bob: “Of course, my sweet, but the Mercedes we got from the Qatar government is in the shop so can I borrow your car?”
Nadine: “Yes, my darling, and when you come home you may find the locks changed and your belongings lying all over the front lawn.”
This is the kind of behavior that leads to newspaper reporters later interviewing relatives who will say “We could tell that there was some simmering tension between them, but who knew she could do so much damage with just a tire iron.”
Stephen Gillers, a legal ethics professor at NYU Law School, said that Ms. Menendez could use the same strategy and blame the Senator and that the spouse being blamed cannot be forced to defend himself or herself due to the privilege against self-incrimination “as well as a legal doctrine that protects the marital relationship.”
This marital relationship certainly needs some protection.
Also in the news is Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito, who got into a bit of political trouble when an upside down American flag, a “Stop the Steal” symbol of protest by Donald J. Trump’s supporters, was found flying on his front lawn flag pole about the same time January 6 rioters where storming the Capitol.
“I had no involvement whatsoever in the flying of the flag,” Justice Alito said, blaming Ms. Alito for flying the flag in connection with a dispute with their neighbors.
He forgot to mention an “Appeal to Heaven” flag associated with the MAGA movement flying at his vacation home.
“My wife is fond of flying flags. I am not. My wife was solely responsible for having flagpoles put up at our residence and our vacation home and has flown a wide variety of flags over the years.”
Justice Alito did not say whether it was Ms. Alito who accepted all those luxury jet rides, fishing trips and other gifts from individuals with business before the Court. I expect Justice Alito just tagged along.
Overall, is this really the best strategy Senator Menendez and Justice Alito could come up with?!
Your dog will not blame you for claiming the poor pooch ate your homework, but there might be some pushback from the love of your life.
I understand that both Ms. Menendez and Ms. Alito have recused themselves from marital relations for the immediate future.
Actually, Ms. Alito, who was secretly recorded by a reporter posing as a conservative supporter saying that she wanted to fly all kinds of flags at their Virginia home in response to a Pride flag in her neighborhood, seems more upset about the flag flying limitations being imposed on her by Justice Alito than by being made the fall gal.
She agreed she said, for now, but told Justice Alito that “when you are free of this nonsense” (presumably, being a Supreme Court Justice is the nonsense?), she will be going whole hog on her flag flying.
I hate to point this out, but historically most spouse blaming has come from the guys, not the ladies.
Carol Moseley Braun seems more typical of the feminine approach. As a new Senator she took some heat when her boyfriend/campaign manager was accused of sexually harassing women on the campaign staff.
Even though her advisors suggested that she blame the boyfriend, Ms. Braun said “I thought that would be cowardly of me to do … this guy has not done anything wrong.”
Have we guys always been cowards?
Okay, I know the answer to that question but what else have we missed?
Did Eve actually give Adam that apple or was Adam caught pilfering the tree of knowledge and blamed the only other person, well, that existed?
Apparently, the esteemed Senator and Justice have found a foolproof strategy (as long as you do not mind your spouse never talking to you again).
Other “blame the spouse” revelations appear ready to hit the news.
Luka Doncic said it was his fiancé’s fault that his team lost in a near sweep to the Boston Celtics in the NBA finals (teammate Kyrie Irving, to his credit, did not blame his wife and instead blamed the loss on UFOs and the world being flat, although he did confirm that he met his wife on a UFO).
Wylie E. Coyote has posted on Instagram that he never could catch the Road Runner since his girlfriend, Roxanne Coyote, forced him to buy equipment from the Acme Company.
President Biden’s office has released a statement saying it is Jill Biden’s fault that the President is old.
Donald Trump blamed his wife, Melania, and everyone else for that matter, for, well, everything.
If you liked this newsletter, then kudos to me and ain’t I something.
If you did not like this newsletter… you know whose fault it is!
Alan blames his wife for writing "Wylie E. Coyote" instead of "Wile E. Coyote," but gives himself credit for a funny line.